Crime and Condiments

"Brie on baguette, s'il vous plait"

At the beginning of Victor Hugo's Les Misérables the lead character Jean Valjean has just been released from prison after nineteen years in jail for stealing a loaf of bread.  During the course of the novel Valjean, who attempts to escape his past and rise above his peasant status is pursued by Inspector Javert.  Javert has ten times the intensity of Tommy Lee Jones chasing the fugitive Harrison Ford, and although Hugo expertly weaves the novel, stepping back I sometimes wonder whether a loaf of bread can really spur such a story.

Until I read the daily headlines.

For example, if you google "subway restaurant robbery" you'll find that sandwich-related crimes happen so often they've become almost mundane.  I'm sure the robbery victims, however, found it extremely traumatic, and pulling that single narrative thread is what makes Victor Hugo's masterpiece so compelling.

What, for example, was this thief thinking when he robbed a sandwich shop using a Gatorade bottle full of gasoline?  He later locked himself in his hotel room and set it on fire.  When they arrested him he was booked with arson, as well as an outstanding warrant for Fraud.  The whole story seems confusing: he also had a gun, so why did he use the gasoline?  Does the Fraud case play into this -- did he really want to commit suicide in a "blaze" of glory? Why a sandwich shop?

Other times, when life gives you cold cuts, you make sandwiches. In this case the robber broke in, couldn't find the case, so he grabbed the sandwich makings, as well as the cookies. I hope he gives them to someone who will appreciate stolen treats.

Sometimes sandwiches are used to dish out justice.  There's the case of the ongoing food fights at an Atlantic City high school.  After several food fights the cafeteria workers decided to punish the entire lunch crowd by serving only bread and cheese.

"Superintendent Fredrick Nickles confirmed that one lunch period was subjected to the simple serving, consisting of two slices of bread and a slab of cheese, after five students were suspended for starting a food fight. He again insisted that the meal meets the state requirements and is served to send a message to the rest of the student body."

This punishment sounds eerily like the old "bread and water" of prisoners, and I can see how an "us vs them" mentality might have been formed.  I see a movie script brewing: a rag-tag group of lunch ladies confront and mentor tough inner-city  students, ultimately bringing victory to their school on the reality show "Cafeteria Chef."  Tag line: "Don't mess with the lunch ladies."

Which brings me to the Blago Sandwich.  Sometimes there's justice, and sometimes there's injustice, and sometimes there's Rod Blagojevich.  The former Governor of Illinois, who was arrested for trying to sell his state's Senate seat, is in the news for a sandwich named in his honor: "The Innocent aka Blago."  Made with turkey, Swiss cheese, pesto, mayo, avocado and spinach, I notice it has four ingredients which are essentially fats, so it could also be called the "Big Fat Turkey" sandwich.  Blagojevich called it "an accurate and truthful" sandwich.

Which gave me the idea that maybe we should name more sandwiches after public figures. For example "The Tom Cruise" could be Swiss, Cheddar and Provolone with sprouts, Chantrelle mushrooms, toasted on white bread.  Pretty cheesy, a little healthy, a hint of crazy, and the occasional flops.

Speaking of crazy, that leads me to the oddest of sandwich-related crimes.  A woman 74-year-old Boise woman was arrested after pouring mayonnaise in the Ada County library's book drop box.  They say she's a "person of interest in at least 10 other condiment-related crimes."  The article says "library employees have reported finding books in the drop box covered in corn syrup and ketchup,"  but I wondered how she chose her condiments? Did she plan on pouring chutney into the Red Box if the movie was a turkey?  Tossing bags of aoli at used car dealerships to protest smarmy salesmen?  What book had she read that prompted her to use mayo on the library drop box? I'll bet it wasn't Les Miserables, but it would be an interesting story that describes her motivation.